Thursday, January 31, 2013

Forward Motion

Some days, I feel well equipped to handle the heaviness of life.  Other days, I feel quite lacking.  This January has been filled with a great sense of lacking.

I couldn't ask for a better month.  Clear skies, temps in the fifties and seventies, and plenty of time to get things done.  Yet my goal list for January remains unfulfilled.

Sure, we had some sickness, but nothing major.  My own head cold derailed my cleanse midway through, and I've spent the past few days on what I now call Old Lady Bed Rest.  Because I am old.  And unpregnant (just to clear that up), but needing to rest with my feet up all the same.  But I should be able to handle these better.  I've done so in the past.

I usually love January.  It's like a month of Mondays.  Renewed energy after a crazy-busy period of time, with limited commitments and plenty of time to refocus on my own goals and projects.  But this year, I let January slip away from me.  I couldn't uphold any routines.  I allowed circumstances to carry me away emotionally.  I didn't write much of anything.  I barely managed to pull meals together, and sometimes just gave up and glutened the crap out of myself.  I found joy in very few places.  These facts remained mostly hidden from the outside world, and in part even even hidden from me.  It's a sort of functioning depression.  An insidious enemy.

Then, last week after a few extra minutes of sunshine and a tiny bit of begging for help from my kids, we grabbed the seed packets and garden tools.  Let me tell you something.  Dirt therapy is a very real thing.  Seriously, antidepressant bacteria live in dirt.  Take advantage of that.

The strawberry plants are blooming early this year.
One hour of removing debris and pulling runners from strawberry plants and digging my hands in that cool, dark soil was enough to get me moving again.
Feeling.
Itching.
Moving forward.

It's not gone.  I still feel grey and my edges blurred.  But now the seeds have been planted.  I have to go out, at least every few days, and clear leaves and pull weeds and water the garden beds with the help of my girls.  For now, it's enough.  It's forward motion.  Momentum.  Pretty soon, I'll be able to add something else.  I wound a ball of yarn yesterday, so I'm counting that as knitting progress.  Maybe I'll get a row or two done soon.  We'll see.  One baby step at a time.  Baby steps build habits.  Habits ground me.

Here's to forward motion and habit building.

2 comments:

  1. i’m lifting my glass to you. xoxoxo

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  2. Ugh, I know. I know!!! Although a month of Mondays sounds horrible to me, I think I'm better on Wednesdays or Thursdays. ;) I lift a glass to you too. I just opened a bottle of Riesling.

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